friends

Google Searches.

So this past weekend, I found out some INCREDIBLY exciting news. Someone near and dear to me was tying the knot! I am absolutely on cloud nine for them. Unfortunately, at the same time, I also feel really vulnerable and cheated. I keep on thinking, wow, I can’t believe this person didn’t tell me, I can’t believe I had to find out through the grape vine. It was actually incredibly distressing. It actually struck some sort of emotional chord, that just wouldn’t stop strumming. I tried to Google the issue, to  try to find comfort in knowing that this happens, “its normal,” but alas, a Google search just turned up weird things like cheating boyfriends, etc. LOL.

I began to think more and more about it. I began to think about how I was so open and free about sharing personal details of my life with this person, I never thought once about editing myself or restricting myself when talking to them, because I assumed our relationship was as such. I am learning in life, the incredibly hard/emotionally taxing way, you can’t make assumptions in life. YOU JUST CAN’T. I kept on thinking about how after finding out such news, I should have been so elated, focused on them, instead I just felt vulnerable and manipulated.

But I am realizing, the dividends of relationships, and the mathematics behind it. I want to engage myself in relationships that make me feel happy, that are open & honest. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that expect to get what I put in out of the relationships I hold. They’re a two way street.

Some may say, “Well, you shouldn’t expect things out of your relationships, you should just give freely because that is how relationships and love work.” Although I do agree with them, my counter to that is: You can just give and give, because at some point you’ll be taken advantage of. I want to be around those that value the same things I value: I value you reciprocity & honesty. The comfort of having good friends is knowing that when you need them they’ll be there, not that when they need you- you’ll ALWAYS be there and never vice versa.

In this scenario, I think about taking off from work to attend this wedding, and I think – is it worth using my vacation days on someone that didn’t value being honest with me when I asked about details of their life, after divulging details of my own life? Is it worth my vacation days to attend a wedding for someone who is attempting to convince me that they did not have the ability to tell me due to a third party (this one irks me the most, because I absolutely hate it when people fail to take ownership of their mistakes)? It is something that I’ll have to consider when I decide to make some sort of decision.

Going back to September of this year, I think about a close friend of mine going on a pilgrimage, and I made her a list of things to pray about it, and this was one of them: I prayed this person would meet someone really special, because they are special. I have no doubt in my mind my prayers were answered, so that makes me feel really happy.

I find solace in knowing my prayers were answered. I find happiness in knowing that this is what is causing me sadness and not someone dying of cancer, having my heart broken, or just having a shitty job.

Food for thought I guess.  I hope this posts helps someone, because these sort of weird things, apparently, happen, and now if it happens to you – you can Google it!

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