relationships

Poof: You Are An Adult. Ending a Friendship

When you are a little girl you dream of the day you are a fabulous adult. Working in one of those big buildings, where you have an awesome office, the cutest wardrobe, the perfect hair and skin, the ability to eat everything yummy and never gain a pound, the perfect home (in the perfect shade of blush pink), and perfect relationships.

As you grow up you learn that you cannot have it all. You learn to pick a career, be serious, socialize and love only those people that matter, and above all you learn that every action truly does have a consequence.

One of the toughest parts about this entrance into adulthood is leaving people “behind”. I really struggle with this issue, but I realize more and more that you cannot take everyone with you on your journey, and although you want to share something because of the sheer length of time you have been in each others lives or maybe there are certain aspects of this person you really appreciate, there are other subjective negative aspects that severely outweigh the length of time and pleasant traits of this person. If this person lived near, it would make sense to connect every now and then and to make the effort to maintain the relationship, but if the person is far away, and every time you meet in real life the negatives seem overshadow the positives, you need to walk away.

What does walking away mean? I have learned that the hardest and easiest thing to do in life is to come up with black and white rules and stick with them. It’s hard, because your mind wants to analytically poke holes and give you subjective outs and create grey. It’s the easy thing to do, because if you just simply allow it to be black and white then you are free of trying to interpret the grey. To highlight using this method, you simply tell yourself: I am done with this person, I will not contact them, respond to their contact, and I will un-follow them on social media. By simply coming up with these incredibly tough rules and sticking with them you no longer have to constantly second guess yourself or your actions towards this specific person. You take a position & you stick with it.

What happens next? By taking a position and staying strong, you will soon realize that you are free of this person and the burdens they brought into your life. Freedom from any negativity, only means that more positivity can replace it if you are open to it! Take the time that you would have spent talking to  that individual and invest it in yourself, your family, your community, your other close friends or your work. Use one bad “relationship”, whether it be a friendship or serious relationship to catapult you to the next level, and as hard as this may sound never look back. If you find yourself even wanting to take a glance backwards, just remember that things were not always that rosy, and you do not need this person.

 

JOIN ME ON MY SERIES CALLED “POOF: YOU ARE AN ADULT!”  and feel free to suggest other topics to address! I loved writing the above, even though it’s a little lengthier than what most people would prefer!

 

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HI FRIENDS!

It has honestly been a minute since I last posted! I have a few important updates: I moved to Kansas City and I GOT MARRIED. Wild right?

I surprisingly really love Kansas City. I mean I will always be an ATLien, but Kansas City is one of those cities that is a hidden gem for the following reasons:

  1. It takes less than 30 minutes to get anywhere around town (more like 15-20 minutes – but saying thirty minutes since I had to drive across town to go to a girlfriend’s house and it took about 30 minutes).
  2. The rent prices are cheaper- ATL was about $300-$400 more for rent. Annual savings of about $4,800.00. Now who doesn’t like that??
  3. The food is yummy! The food in Atlanta is better simply because there are so many options, but for the limited options that are here, I would say KC isn’t doing that bad of a job.
  4. My husband is here 🙂

On that note, how did you meet your husband: I met the love of my life through a friend during the fall of 2015!  Something just clicked — I seemed to just enjoy talking to this guy for hours on end (and the whole time we were talking it felt like 15-20 mins, but then I’d look at the clock at it would read 1:00am). UMM WHERE DID THE TIME GO??? If you know me, I go to bed SUPER early, so this was different :).

The layers. I feel like getting to know him was like peeling an onion, so many layers, but each layer so awesome as the next. I couldn’t wait to tell friends and family members about him! He was awesome. Our families got involved and they took it from there.

It was EASY. Years from now when I tell my kids the story of how I met their father in more detail of course, I will tell them that being with him was EASY. I didn’t have to talk him into anything, change him, or wish I was different or he was different – I took him as he was and he did the same. I will tell them -we didn’t fight and each conversation and interaction was a loving one (granted we get into scuffles every now and but I can’t think of any “real” fights – THANK GOD).

Being married & what my relationship is like: It is great! I told my husband the other day, part of the problem of being so head over heels is that I cannot wait to come home to him and working big law means working big hours- LOL- I kid -my hours are not as bad as I thought they were going to be and this week especially as been awesome (hence the post).  Luckily, I married someone who supports me and my dreams, so he never complains or says anything about my hours. Rather, he encourages me take on more, wake up earlier and works by my side :).

Okay, I am writing all of this and he doesn’t even check my blog – since I put a DO NOT CHECK THIS SITE prohibition on him months ago, but if he does ever stop by I think he will be happy to see that I am happy to be his.

XOXO.

Google Searches.

So this past weekend, I found out some INCREDIBLY exciting news. Someone near and dear to me was tying the knot! I am absolutely on cloud nine for them. Unfortunately, at the same time, I also feel really vulnerable and cheated. I keep on thinking, wow, I can’t believe this person didn’t tell me, I can’t believe I had to find out through the grape vine. It was actually incredibly distressing. It actually struck some sort of emotional chord, that just wouldn’t stop strumming. I tried to Google the issue, to  try to find comfort in knowing that this happens, “its normal,” but alas, a Google search just turned up weird things like cheating boyfriends, etc. LOL.

I began to think more and more about it. I began to think about how I was so open and free about sharing personal details of my life with this person, I never thought once about editing myself or restricting myself when talking to them, because I assumed our relationship was as such. I am learning in life, the incredibly hard/emotionally taxing way, you can’t make assumptions in life. YOU JUST CAN’T. I kept on thinking about how after finding out such news, I should have been so elated, focused on them, instead I just felt vulnerable and manipulated.

But I am realizing, the dividends of relationships, and the mathematics behind it. I want to engage myself in relationships that make me feel happy, that are open & honest. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that expect to get what I put in out of the relationships I hold. They’re a two way street.

Some may say, “Well, you shouldn’t expect things out of your relationships, you should just give freely because that is how relationships and love work.” Although I do agree with them, my counter to that is: You can just give and give, because at some point you’ll be taken advantage of. I want to be around those that value the same things I value: I value you reciprocity & honesty. The comfort of having good friends is knowing that when you need them they’ll be there, not that when they need you- you’ll ALWAYS be there and never vice versa.

In this scenario, I think about taking off from work to attend this wedding, and I think – is it worth using my vacation days on someone that didn’t value being honest with me when I asked about details of their life, after divulging details of my own life? Is it worth my vacation days to attend a wedding for someone who is attempting to convince me that they did not have the ability to tell me due to a third party (this one irks me the most, because I absolutely hate it when people fail to take ownership of their mistakes)? It is something that I’ll have to consider when I decide to make some sort of decision.

Going back to September of this year, I think about a close friend of mine going on a pilgrimage, and I made her a list of things to pray about it, and this was one of them: I prayed this person would meet someone really special, because they are special. I have no doubt in my mind my prayers were answered, so that makes me feel really happy.

I find solace in knowing my prayers were answered. I find happiness in knowing that this is what is causing me sadness and not someone dying of cancer, having my heart broken, or just having a shitty job.

Food for thought I guess.  I hope this posts helps someone, because these sort of weird things, apparently, happen, and now if it happens to you – you can Google it!

Bettering Yourself: Relationship With Your Parents

We spend a considerable amount of time in front of the mirror, perfecting our looks, assembling flattering outfits, and adorning our bodies with jewels, but sometimes it’s good to pause and think “Hey – why am I doing this?”

Are you doing it to gain confidence?

Are you doing it to just look normal?

Are you doing it because it’s the norm?

Why?

This thought just crossed my head as I was studying — I was thinking about how I need to spend more meaningful time with my parents. They’re not getting any younger, and right now is the time to develop a meaningful relationship with them. I love my parents & I had an ideal childhood, so  why do I find it a chore to talk to them sometimes? I feel bad for considering it a chore, or something on my list of things to do, since they truly mean the world to me and I would have debilitating pain if anything ever happened to them.

Relationships and style are about effort. Sometimes a great look is effortless, and sometimes a great relationship is too, but every now and then you need to spice up your routine, and same goes for  your relationship, and you need to put a little more effort in or switch up/spice up your routine.

I like the interplay between the two, because to a certain degree they both go hand in hand. If you rush your routine, you may not be happy with your result as you glance at yourself using your rear view mirror, and the same could be said with relationships, if you pay minimal attention to it and rush out the door — you may not get the same satisfaction in maintaining it or even having it.

Some techniques I’m going to do to make my conversations more meaningful and energetic:

  • bring a ton of energy in my voice when i’m speaking. “Hey!!!!! How are you guys!?!?! What is going on? What did you eat? OMG THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!!!”  lol you get my point.
  • I’m going to tell them a joke.
  •  I’m going to be an active listener.
  • I’m going to make sure we do not dwell on the phone.
  • I’m going to make sure we use the time constructively.
  • I’ll ask for advice. (everyone loves feeling needed, and feeling like they effortless help you out)

Being hundreds of miles from my parents makes it hard — but i know it’s possible with a few tricks and tips.  Do you have any tips or tricks? How do you keep your relationship with your parents meaningful?

Dating: 11 tips to take it to the next level.

I’m NO pro at dating, but I do have a few fool-proof tricks up my sleeve. I would love to share them with you — so you can you snag “Mr. Right” and leave “Mr.  Okay-for-Right-Now”.

  1. If he loves you, likes you or is interested, he will make time for you.
  2. Don’t initially bombard him with texts and calls, keep it short and simple. You don’t want a cyber relationship– you want a REAL one: ditch the long texts or phone calls for hanging out in person, grabbing coffee together, or going for a stroll.
  3. Talk about outdoorsy activities that you enjoy — if he is paying attention, he’ll plan something around it on your next date because he knows that it’s a fail-proof date idea.
  4. Let him pay. You do not need to prove yourself — and you should always offer, but if he insists then let him. You want a partner who will take care of you — then it starts with this small gesture. You’re job is to look pretty and be good company. His job is to open doors, pick up the check , and be there ON time. After the third date, or even the second date you can pick up the dessert tab, pick up your lunch tab or make him something special!
  5. Take it slow, for the first two months. See each other once or twice a week, nothing more (this is what SLOW means)!
  6. Don’t act like your married  if you’re JUST dating or don’t act like he is your boyfriend when all you’ve done is go out on a date.
  7. If you’ve been hanging out for a while (one month or more) and you both really like each other or you like him, then ask him “where is this going?” or “what is going on between us” — it’ll definitely take courage, but if he says I don’t know or he wants to be friends, then the balls in your court. You can continue to hang out, cut him out or not feel guilty about meeting other people.
  8. Remember you’re single until he is actually your boyfriend & he is single until you’re actually his girlfriend: girls often get upset that this guy did them wrong, blah blah blah blah blah — my first question is: did he know the parameters of your relationship? “Ummm kinda, we didn’t talk about it — it was understood”  If this is your answer, then make it clear to him that this is what you thought, and ask why he didn’t think that? If you it’s a reasonable excuse, then set boundaries, so you know you’re on the same page, if it’s not a reasonable reason– LEAVE HIM. Don’t open the door again. Bye.
  9. Be simple. Don’t be demanding & don’t change his date ideas. Go along for the ride with a smile, and appreciate the time he put into planning the date!
  10. THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP: DO NOT BE A LAST MINUTE SORT OF GIRL.  You’re time is valuable and he should know that! He should plan his dates with you well in advance. For example, if he wants to go out on Friday, he should tell you by Tuesday! You want him actively thinking about you and your date through out the week, you want him to work for you and dwell on you.  As you date for a longer period of time, then it’s okay to do things on a last minute basis — because who does like the spontaneous girl!
  11. Be confident. You’re beautiful: inside and out. Don’t feel insecure  — think about how luck you are — there are girls that are being sold somewhere? People who find the internet to be a LUXURY, people  who have no one to use this tricks on! So trust me girl you’re lucky.  You have eyes to read this, and common sense to interpret it — TRUST ME. Be thankful, smile and “fake it till you make it.”

The First Date

You only get ONE first date, so make it count.  So many young women attempt to push the limits of sexy when going on a first date. I want to ask them “why?”

Why do you feel like you need to expose your body  to garner attention? If you want to truly start off on the right foot, and if you truly want a meaningful relationship, I would definitely take the conservative route. You want him to respect you,  dote on you, & know that you are a respectable young woman, not just some object or a hookup buddy. Dress accordingly: just like interviews, first impressions are everything. They set tone for your relationship. Are you a girl who is going to be DTF, or are you going make sure he knows you have standards, and are NOT to be toyed with?

Well, I was lucky enough to have a friend going out on a first date. It is winter & obviously extremely cold, so staying covered is a must! Her outfit is beautiful & the outfit would look great on any body type (I’m serious). It’s extremely easy to mimic, since she is wearing basic staple closet pieces. Even if you do not have these exact pieces, I bet there is something close to it in your closet, and if there is not, then I think similar pieces would be a great investment for your closet.

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